The Hound of Hellsingville
Integra scowled as she counted the
ingredients before her. “One mandrake root, check.
Half a gallon of artificial red coloring, check. One Jin of lotus seeds. One quart of ginseng dirt, check to both …”
As she reached the final list on her list,
Integra paused. “One Kati of hand sliced
Chinese ginger? Who the hell has the
time to slice that much ginger up by hand?”
Turning to her handy food processor, she quickly reduced the Kati of
Chinese ginger roots before her into a ginger smoothie. “There,” she said, grinning in satisfaction
as she poured the contents of the food blender into a large cauldron. “We’ll see if he has anything to complain
about after this.”
Chucking the rest of the ingredients into
the large cauldron, Integra began mixing up the concoction. “This smells too nice to be an obedience
potion,” she grumbled as she brought the potion to a gentle boil. “But if it works, I don’t care if he enjoys
it.”
Integra was in fact so pleased with
herself, she begun cackling - rather insanely may we add. As a matter of fact, most causal observers
would find the sight of a woman cackling in the middle of the night unnerving
and we have not even gotten to the cauldron part. This was however,
Hellsing mansion and no one told Integra Hellsing what she could or could not
cook in her own mansion’s dungeons.
Somewhere in the other end of Hellsing manor’s basement, a vampire
sneezed.
“Ah-choo,” spat Alucard irritably. “Something’s up, I just know it. And will you get those infernal things out of
my room,” he barked.
“Oh don’t be a spoil
sport, master,” rebuked Seras cheerfully as she brandished a huge stalk
of sunflowers in his face. “These
flowers will brighten your room considerably.”
“We are vampires, Seras,” growled
Alucard. “We’re not the seven dwarves.”
Ignoring her master’s sulks, the young
vampire whistled a merry tune and began arranging a few stalks of sunflowers in
a vase on the table beside his coffin.
“She starts singing about the mines and I
break her neck,” muttered Alucard as he closed his coffin cover.
----------
“But Sir,” protested Walter.
“No buts,” said Integra. “Come to think of it, I’ve never quite
brought him dinner before. It would be
fun.”
Walter looked worriedly at Integra. “Are you sure this is wise? You do know how dangerous this is, don’t
you?”
“Dangerous?” asked Integra. “I have no clue as to what you mean.”
Walter shook his head. “You do know the thing about Alucard and
blood, Sir ... your blood in particular, is what the dunce lusts after
most. You bringing him dinner is about
as safe as dressing up as a steak and bringing a lion lunch in his cage.”
Integra grinned. “That was long ago. Walter.
Besides, he’s stopped going near my neck ever since I’ve started smoking
cigars.”
“That’s because you’re actually smoking
herbal cigars, laced with copious amounts of garlic. Sir, won’t you reconsider? I still think you bringing him dinner is madness.”
Integra laughed. “No it isn’t,” she replied as she began
walking to the dungeons with the vampires’ dinners. “Not after what will happen tonight,” she
muttered as she fought to stifle her own sniggers.
----------
Integra stared at the nervous vampire
before her.
“Well go on,” she said. “Not hungry?”
“Starved actually,” replied Alucard. “But I’m not so sure about this.”
“Suit yourself,”
grumbled Integra as she moved to clear the dishes. “You can go hungry if you’re in the mood.”
Deliberating for no more than a
nanosecond, Alucard scooted to the table and emptied the bowl with one
gulp. “Hmm, that tasted delicious,” he
replied handing the empty bowl to Integra.
Integra smiled.
“Uh, master,” said Alucard. “Please don’t do that. You have no idea how that creeps
me out.”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” said Integra happily
as she began clearing the dishes. “I’ve
been rather harsh on you lately and I figured it was because we haven’t been spending
enough quality time together.”
Alucard looked worriedly at the woman
before him. It was definitely not like
Integra to do mundane things like feeding the vampires. While the prospect should have greatly amused
him, her satisfied grin as she walked out of his chambers with the empty dishes
terrified him – not that he would ever admit the same to her. Secondly, ‘quality time’ was not something
Integra used to describe the time she spent with animated vampires. The truth be told, the only quality time
Integra would consider spent with a vampire was when she was ensuring it
remained dust.
“She’s up to something,” he thought,
moments before a strange sleepiness overtook him. Outside his room, Integra fished an empty
vial from her pocket and smiled.
“Sweet dreams doggy boy,” she said as she
made her way back to the kitchen.
----------
“Look, it’s your entire fault so we might
as well live with this until the spell wears off,” growled Alucard.
Integra looked sheepishly at the floor,
trying to avoid Walter’s, Seras’s and Alucard’s glares.
“Sir,” said Walter. “I am usually on your side but this is the
most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of.
Have I taught you nothing about adhering strictly to spells in spell casting?”
Seras said nothing but bit her nails
nervously. Beside her, Alucard was
absolutely fuming.
“Integra, if you ever dare to put anything
in my food again, I’ll ...”
“Oh hush up,” retorted Integra. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“Look master,” snarled Alucard as he
wagged his tail, “I’m quite amenable to playing catch with you if you’re in the
mood but this is ridiculous!”
Tail? Did I say
tail, kind reader? Oh, yes I did. You see, Integra’s potion did not work
exactly the way she wanted. For instead
of having a vampire as obedient as a trained dog, she now had a vampiric dog,
all one hundred pounds of it.
“Oh crimey,” she grumbled. “I suppose I shouldn’t have cheated and
blended the Chinese ginger roots.”
As Walter nodded sagely, Alucard
protested. “That’s not the point. I don’t want to stay in hound form longer
than I want to. What are we going to do
if the freaks attack now?”
“Don’t be a worry wart. Walter and Seras can take care of it,”
replied Integra, as she turned her face towards the corner of the room. “Besides you still have all your powers, save
that you can’t take human form.”
Walter sighed as he patted Seras on the
shoulder. “We best be
going on the patrol then Lady Seras.”
Silently, the duo left the dungeons, praying that they could get to
safety before disaster broke loose of its restraints.
Integra continued staring into the
corner. Her shoulders twitched slightly
as if as she had been trying to control her emotions.
“Why won’t you look at me?” demanded
Alucard as he marched in front of her.
“Too guilty about what you’ve done?”
Integra turned and took one look at the
sulking hound in front of her. Alucard
saw that her expression was one of utmost control but it soon gave way as she
started laughing hysterically - it was a full hour before Alucard could get her
to calm down.
----------
“I am absolutely not wearing that thing,”
grumbled Alucard.
“Oh come on, don’t be silly,” replied
Integra fingering the leather leash before her.
“It’s already been one week. The
spell should wear off soon. Besides, this
red goes well with your eyes.”
“One more week,” groaned Alucard. “Anymore than seven days and I’ll rip every and anyone’s head off,” growled the hound.
“Well,” quizzed Integra.
“You take a flea bath and I’ll wear that
collar.”
“Don’t be stubborn Alucard,” said Integra
as she sat on the hound to keep him from squirming. Fixing the leash around his neck, she
declared, “It’s nice and it’s not like you want to end up in the pound do you?”
“I’ve always wanted a dog,” she muttered
dreamily as she snuggled Alucard’s snout affectionately. “Daddy never allowed me one and Walter
absolutely refused to have another on the premises.”
“Master ... uh ... I think we should ...”
“I’ve always wanted something sleek and
dangerous ...” said Integra as she continued patting the dog in her lap.
A rough wet feeling on her chest soon
brought Integra back to reality.
Alucard, whose snout had been stuffed somewhere in between her chest,
was obviously enjoying a certain kind of view he would never have had as a
human.
“UGH!” screamed Integra as she hurriedly
pushed the offending dog off her lap.
“You pathetic excuse of man’s best friend,” she screamed, brandishing
her pistol as she chased after her unrepentant quarry.
That day, the Hellsing staff had a lot to
talk about.
----------
Integra stared at the livid woman before
her. “I don’t suppose he ate your dog
like he did the Duchess’, the Princess’ and the Earl’s?”
“No.
He did worse. You young lady have
better have a good explanation for this,” demanded the furious old lady. “My Fluffy is of extremely high
breeding. To think
that we’ve gotten mongrels because of your dog.”
“Eh,” muttered Integra nervously as
Alucard glared at her. “Perhaps I should
get him neutered.”
Besides her, Alucard yelped angrily.
“Hush you mutt and don’t you ‘eh’ me young
lady,” continued the old woman as she crossed her arms. She looked absolutely menacing, even to two
that had defeated countless vampires and other monsters of the night. “What pedigree is your hound anyway?”
“Ancient Romanian nobility?” offered
Integra embarrassedly. Just then, a
thought struck our beloved Lord Hellsing.
“Lady Margaret, what color are their
eyes?”
“Whose?”
“The
puppies.”
“Brown,” replied Lady Margaret. “Why?”
“Because,” answered Integra triumphantly
as she began dragging Alucard away, “My dog would only be the culprit if the
puppies had red eyes and at least 6 of them.
----------
“I don’t believe you actually thought I
was responsible,” said Alucard sulking, as she emerged from the bathroom. “And neuter me? How dare you!”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” shrugged Integra as she
picked out her pajamas. “I guess I
should have known. You only eat dogs,
you don’t ... ahem ...”
“Hmph,” came the
offended reply.
“I said I’m sorry already,” replied
Integra. “Go back to your bed and we’ll
talk tomorrow.”
Alucard said nothing but sat down
stubbornly on the carpet.
“Go on, I said.”
“But master,” whinned
Alucard, his large red eyes (all 6 of them) staring sadly at her.
Integra rubbed her forehead in
frustration. “What now? You’re not using that cute puppy trick on me
... it never worked once. Oh damn, I
can’t resist you when you’re like that.
What do you want Alucard?”
“I want to sleep in your bed.”
“What?”
“I’m sick of that coffin.”
Integra glared hesitantly at Alucard. “But you were the one who insisted on buying
that monstrosity. My grandfather offered
to get you a nice urn but you refused.”
“That was one hundred years ago,” replied
Alucard. “And you owe me for that last
Fluffy incident. It is not helping that
Walter has confirmed that your spell is going to last for another 2 weeks
unless a miracle happens.”
“All right,” grumbled Integra as she
lifted the covers (making also a mental note to confiscate Alucard’s copy of
the Frog Prince first thing in the morning and to stop Seras from passing him
any more reading materials). “But one
wrong paw out of place,” she warned, “And you should know what happens.”
----------
Integra awoke from a nightmare in which
she had been thrown into an icy pond with a millstone, sculptured to look like
Alucard’s face, hung around her neck.
The nightmare had been so realistic.
Her chest, in particular, felt constricted. Opening her eyes she stared at the alarm
clock on her dresser. ‘Six old-clock,’ she thought to herself, ‘Time to get up’.
Turning to rise, she found the source of
her discomfort and possibly the inspiration of her nightmare - her vampire,
with all 4 pale limbs, was draped over her, all of his limbs being placed on
the most “wrong” places. Integra was furious
but perhaps she would not have minded so much had he still been in doggy form
or at least dressed.
Needless to say, that morning, the
Hellsing barracks had an extremely interesting wake up call - one that sounded
like a cross between an extremely angry woman (read
Hellsing noble) screaming and an extremely nervous vampire (read Ancient
Romanian royal pedigree) being shot by silver bullets.
The end?
Author’s notes: Don’t tell me this was
bad. I know it is bad. This is after all part of the series that
qualifies as worst written Hellsing fanfic.
To Em, for that wonderful Integra x Alucard fic and for everything. To the rest of
the world, this is an exercise of most interesting proportions: It’s call count the number of fangurly
mistakes that you can spot in the 3 parody fics, “Londonderry
Lust”, “The Secret Diary” and “Hound of Hellsingville”. Making up facts is one of them ... see how many you can spot.
Email me if you want to check your answers.